Starbucks Names Trent Reznor as the Face of New Trenta Size

February 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

Well, this is certainly exciting.  Former Nine Inch Nail’s frontman Trent Reznor has been announced as the spokesman for Starbucks’ new 916 ml/30 fl. oz drink size.  Technically, it is 30.9 fl. oz. but I am NOT EVEN GOING TO GO THERE!

The new size has been met with mixed reactions ranging from pure elation (Yes, give me more!) to confusion (Oh, no thank you, my bowel movements are already quite regular).  In an effort to assuage impressions that their new option was excessive, Starbucks execs decided they should find a spokesperson that represents the Every Day Joe. After first contacting Glenn Beck (who turned down the offer stating that the product is just too black) the execs listened to their children (but only the ones they found the most disappointing) and connected with Trent Reznor, quickly developing the “Give Trent a Trenta” campaign.

This is an equally big move for Reznor, who has been staying busy, but doing so behind the scenes.  In collaboration with Atticus Ross, Reznor scored 2010’s The Social Network and subsequently received a Golden Globe award and an Oscar nod. Finally something to show for his career.   While it may seem that I am belittling Reznor’s achievement I cannot deny that the award meant an awful lot to him, as is evidenced in his tweet post-Golden Globe reception: “golden globe FTW. @oscarnight2011 i’m going to fuck you like an animal. lulz.”

In a cloud of coffee farts.

The campaign will begin running in March primarily in the form of bathroom posters and will run indefinitely or until consumers unlearn the concept of “too much”.  Despite their expressed reluctance, Starbucks has been entertaining several of Reznor’s television commercial ideas.  However, according to BP&BP’s Starbucks insider (Hi, Kelly!), many of the concepts have been turned down, reportedly making Reznor visibly darker.

Among the scrapped ideas was a spot titled “Have you seen my cup”. In this concept, Reznor is intended to stroll into a Starbucks completely naked except for a Grande cup adorning his genitals a la Anthony Kiedis.  Following his approach to the counter he says, “Man…smell those beans”, and promptly develops a full erection. At this point the barista looks down and says “Hey Trent, I think you’re gonna need a Trenta…on the house!”, and to which Reznor sternly replies, “On the house? More like on my penis”. Fin.

I don’t know about you, folks, but I smell an Oscar*!

*Oscar is what Reznor calls his thing.



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